BIG babies

i thought it was about time i put these photos on my blog,     

 it used to be just the ducks that every time they saw us  went into a `quacking marathon`.  then  these 3 `hooligans` got into the act as well ( along with their mum and dad as well )    as soon as they heard voices they came running (literally) up to the garden gates and then the cheek of it .........they were pecking on the gate and honking so we knew they were there,                 

they didn`t miss a trick either if i went out on my buggy (mobility scooter) i had to make sure that i had some bread with me, sometimes just to get out the gate, but normally to get back in again......... little `darlings` used to try and race me to the gate,

the hand in the picture belongs to my sis in law, when she comes to visit she normally comes on her push bike and also found out that bribery in the shape of bread was a good thing, particularly when it came to getting in the gate ( or getting out again)

it did get silly at one stage in the summer as all the swans, parents included would lie around on the riverbank makeing it almost impossible for anyone to get past ........ as they wouldnt move for anything except dogs and ever then they had a go at the dogs first,

november saw the leaving of 2 babies the last one we think has recently left in the last week or so, probably a good thing as we are hopeing to get mum and dad back this week-end, more on that when ive had a cup of tea

the cat

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By
then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the
top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.  Honey! The garbage
disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
?But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my
silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging
from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome
Men... in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold...

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation of me about my head injury.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"   If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

oh dear

1.      Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it.

2.      Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

3.      A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4.      I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5.      I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

6.      My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
him in.

7.      A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I
know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8.      I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9.      Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

10.     Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11.     Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12.     'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home', "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13.     A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?". "Well," said the vet, "let's have a
look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down.".
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?", "No, because he's really heavy".

14.     Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." ..."How's that?" "Don't you start."

15.     Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16.     What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.     So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'

18.     Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think its Colin.

19.     Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20.     Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.

21.     "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice."

22.     A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23.     Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.

3 nuns..

 Subject: - Three Nuns ..................................

   
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

 The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
 The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
 The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

 St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
 "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
 St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
 The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

interesting stuff..???

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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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 The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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  It is impossible to lick your elbow.

   

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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

61,000

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

 

A. Honey

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    In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

  When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase  ......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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  Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

 

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch atCmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

  11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

  12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

  13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

  14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

  15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

another joke

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."        Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo!Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call,"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....














NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

oops

Customer:     "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator:     "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer:     "It's on the door of your business."
Operator:     "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator:     "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller:          "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator:      "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I
am traveling in Australia ?"
Operator:     "Does the product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to
change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller:  "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling
is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar butthe 'B' fell off."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller:             "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland "
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a
phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
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Tech Support:      "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer:             "OK."
Tech Support:      "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer:             "No."
Tech Support:      "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer:             "No."
Tech Support:      "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer:            "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:          "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer:                 "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need
it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy
should have been promoted, not fired. This is  a true story from the
WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring
the customer care department.. Needless to say the Help Desk employee
was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization
for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I  know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"
Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."
Operator:         "Went away?"
Caller:              "They disappeared."
Operator:         "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller:              "Nothing."
Operator:         "Nothing??"
Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:              "How do I tell?"
Operator:         "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:              "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller:              "What's a monitor?"
Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller:               "I don't know."
Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller:              "Yes, I think so."
Operator:         "Great.. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall.
Caller:              "Yes, it is."
Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."
Caller:               "Okay, here it is."
Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."
Caller:               "I can't reach."
Operator:          "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over??"
Caller:               "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark."
Operator:          "Dark??"
Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
in from the window."
Operator:           "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller:               "I can't."
Operator:          "No? Why not??"
Caller:               "Because there's a power failure."
Operator:           "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your
computer came in??"
Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator:           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."
Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator:           "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller:                "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator:           "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"